Why is it that people put on a show? It happens in every aspect of life. People will show that they have more money than they actually have, buy a house they can't afford(but that is for another blog), or dress in a different way than that is representative of themselves. Why do people do it? I think the main reason why people do it is because it makes them feel better about themselves. There was even a movie about it, "Keeping With the Steins." It is true about physical things and spiritual things just as much. People think it is a contest to see who the frummest is. If they aren't so frum, then they will put on a show to seem like they are frummer than they are. I have noticed this a lot recently. People are not honest about how frum they are. Also, I've noticed recently that people who pretend they are frum will be a lot quicker to judge those who aren't as frum as they are. It is easy for them to do so, because the not so frum person doesn't put on a show. The thing is that these people don't realize how stupid they are. They are always thinking about what people will think and about looking frum that they don't actually fix the things that they are doing wrong. It is so pathetic. Yes there are some things which are halacha and some things are just made up. There are levels of halacha and people worry about the external things and not what really matters. People just do things in public to look like they are frum which are really machmir opinions on a minhag, but when they are in private they don't keep real halacha. I just don't get why people care what others think. That means they are letting other people control their lives. That is a little sad. Unfortunately, this mentality is so prevalent in the orthodox community. I do not have statistics, but I have just been noticing so much more. As I graduate and enter the real world, I see it more and more. I will start talking about girls now because I don't really care so much about boys because I am not marrying one and I don't look for this stuff. Girls think the frummer they look, the better guy they will get. I believe that is actually totally false. The problem is that they will end up with someone who is just as big a faker as they are. Their boyfriend won't tell them that they miss minyan and its just all a charade. I guess it works because they are both fakers and that is what makes them compatible. If that girl just worked on being actually frum, she would be much better off. Same goes for the guy as well. Let me share some examples with you.
1- Friends of mine have told me that while getting dressed in the bunkhouses of Camp HASC, girls will ask if an outfit looks frum enough. Really?!? Wear whatever the heck is comfortable!!! I believe this story because...
2- A counselor in my bunkhouse in HASC asked if he looked frum enough it what he was wearing. This I heard with my own two ears. Unfortunately HASC is where a lot of this fake frumness happens. They do so much good there and it is thrown all away by this facade.
3- A girl just got facebook and friended me. It took me a while to figure it out because her name was spelled backwards. I asked her why her name was spelled backwards and why she wouldn't put up a picture of herself in her profile. Her response was that she didnt want graduate schools to see her profile. First of all, there are privacy settings. You can control who sees you and what they see. Second, if that is why, don't get facebook at all!!!!!!
4- I asked a girl who I thought was pretty frum if she wanted her husband to learn (I don't mean in kollel. I mean like night seder after dinner). She said aboslutely not. I was shocked to say the least. I just don't get it. What is the point of you doing all your frum stuff if you don't want your family to do what is actually important?!?!?!
5- A guy can make an inappropriate joke and a girl will laugh at it a lot and then when she is done laughing, she will crticize the guy for making the joke. If you think it is that wrong to begin with, you shouldn't have laughed in the first place. That is mixed messages.
An example of someone owning up to themselves is a girl went out to a bar and had some drinks. She got drunk and had some clean fun after. She enjoyed that night. She realized she had fun but it was a mistake and she doesn't do it anymore.
I think a huge part of this issue is the Israel seminary experience. Girls are talked to so much about what they wear and how they look and not how to think for themselves. It is totally useless. They should be taught how to mesh the ideals of Israel with the reality of America. I know this is a huge issue in Orthodoxy and I do not think this will change it. I just hope that it will get people to think for themselves.
Disclaimer: While the above stories are true, if they are about you and you are upset that I wrote it, then it is not about you. If you are upset because you think I am wrong please comment. Also, I obviously do think I am right in all my points. I would love for people to comment and poke holes in my arguement, so I can refine and correct it. Thanks so much for reading and if you have any topics you would like me to write about please let me know.
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1) you have absolutely no idea what goes on in people's heads and why they do certain things and how it makes them feel
ReplyDelete2) the "hitzonius" of a person says a lot about them regardless of whether it is for peer pressure or "lishma". A person can choose so many different bad things to do and wearing clothes that symbolizes something serious is not something that should be lambasted. Its another thign if you want to help them do better in other areas but I dont think the mussar has to come from this direction
3) A person, when on a religious journey, might identify him/her self with a certain sociological style where they see themsleves growing into or jsut feleing more comfortable with. Granted thats not an excuse for laxity in other areas of ACTUAL mitzvos and halachos as you write, but the outside alone can be a huge part in ones hashkafa and a glimpse into what they recognize as important even if they dont always live up to those standards in every facet of life
p.s. keep up the blogging
while i agree that this fakeness you talk about is pointless, i don't think it's all that big of a deal. from my experiences, the biggest reason people are fake about things, whether it be money or frumness, is because they want to be accepted as part of a certain community and that's the way to go about it. unfortunately people don't realize that a good friend would accept them even if they weren't exactly the same. also, i think that a lot of the time people act like what they think they want to be like, as if maybe it will get them there faster. so even if they aren't that frum, they think that maybe by pretending to be that frum it will help them get there. who knows....
ReplyDeletemaybe the reason why people ask does this look frum enough has nothing to do with putting on a show for other people so they are thought of as being frummer than they actually are. the fact is we are in a world where we are judged on how we dress. should it be that way? no, but it is. the fact is no one would go to a job interview wearing shorts and a t-shirt because people judge someone by the way he/she dresses. we are representatives of Hashem and because of that we have to dress the part, because we are jusged on how we dress. so maybe the reason why they ash does this look frum enough has nothing to do with putting on a show for others and fooling others into thinking they they are frummer than they actually are. rather, it is because they realize that there is more to dress than just comfort. you also have to realize that you are a representative of Hashem, and because of that, you have to dress that way. i'm not saying that there has to be a uniform for people to dress a certain way, but a person should think that he is a representative of Hashem when he gets dressed in the morning, and maybe that's the reason behind the question "is this frum enough?" just because something sounds one way to you, it may be completely different to others, so i dont think it is fair to judge someone on one question and characterizing them as "fakers" because let's be honest, you don't know what is going on in their head.
ReplyDeletethere are so many points to address here because you bring up so many issues in this one blog post.
ReplyDeletefirst-a very general statement: to apply this idea of "being fake" to the majority of people, specifically to women, is not only insensitive, judgmental, and incorrect, it is also foolish. it is very hard for me to understand how someone who is upset about the judgmental nature that SOME people have (and are probably working on it or are simply unaware of it) can write the following, "Also, I've noticed recently that people who pretend they are frum will be a lot quicker to judge those who aren't as frum as they are."
please tell me how it is that you know the deep thoughts of another human being, "frum", "fake", or "anything in between"?
which brings me to my next point. the "anything in between". it is narrow-minded to believe that there are only two ways-"frum" or "fake". actually there is a tremendously wide gradient of the gray that ranges from the white to the black. to forget this is what makes it "easier" to judge others; either the person is one thing or the other and that's it, when in actuality life IS the gray.
the gray is filled with inconsistencies. consistency is an ideal-people are not born into it. every person in the world, including you, is inconsistent at some point in his or her life. do we recognize these inconsistencies as ideal? absolutely not. does one hope to grow from them and refine their middos? for sure.
which brings me to my next point-why would someone want the world to know his or her innermost struggles with consistency (or anything at all) in his or her life? it's embarrassing to broadcast that to anyone. i am not suggesting that people believe they're perfect and therefore never talk about their struggles, but more often than not it's with really close friends, not the random people they happen to be with wherever.
total sincerity i one's avodas Hashem is, in my humble opinion, the ideal. i know i'm not there yet and i know that my friends aren't either-but we all strive for that. striving for it and not being there yet is so different than being what you call "fake."
this is where i address the issue of "laughing at inappropriate jokes"...there is a difference between laughing at the joke and then criticizing the person who tells it based on the reason that they are "too frum" for that and working to get to a point where those kinds of jokes are no longer as funny as they used to be, so sometimes the laughter comes, and is followed by a mental note of "this is not where i want to be."
another issue i have with a lot of this is that there are so many labels that get lost in translation. every person has their own definition of every word of life-based on their experiences, background, and education. the way you translate "frum" or "fake" may be different than another person's. or the way you define "learning" could easily be different than someone else's understanding.
growth is a process. and it's not just a process of a year or two or three spent in israel...it's a lifetime of work. to be open to change and improvement on oneself throughout one's life is called sincerity within one's avodas Hashem.
i do agree that it's frustrating to meet someone who SEEMS so fake...but i try to remember that i will never be able to take a step in their shoes, let alone walk a mile...everyone is different, based on their backgrounds, their families, their schooling, their life experiences, their friends. it's just not so simple or fair to blast almost an entire gender with something so serious as being fake, nor is it fair to put that definition on anyone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI2BnzF1860
ReplyDeleteOne aspect of why people put on faces
Billy Joel is one of those guys that has lyrics that is really mussar. He is a genius.
ReplyDeletehonestly, every1 has their stuff to deal with. every person, frum or not, fake or not, deals with their struggles every day- be it religion, facebook, clothing, they are all trying to figure life out- THE SAME WAY YOU ARE. so while i love u as a person, i think maybe you're the one that's too quick to judge here. just b/c you don't understand, doesn't mean you can judge.
ReplyDeleteI will try and respond to everyone point by point.
ReplyDeleteDanBuk
1- You are correct that I do not know what is going on in people's heads. That is why I included episodes of people saying what they are thinking(the HASC stories).
2- You are also correct about this. On the other hand, they should not pretend to be so frum by wearing the clothes and talk like they are frum.
3- The outside can be a huge part of a person, but it should reflect close to what their inside is.
re
That is exactly my point. People should work on actually getting better instead of putting on a better show.
Tvzi
That is like saying a soldier puts on the uniform but actually sucks at killing the enemy. He thinks he is a good soldier because he puts on the uniform. It just doesn't happen by putting on the uniform. I will admit that it is more of a problem for girls because it is halacha whereas for guys, we can wear what we want. I am not saying that just because a girl isn't frum she can't wear tznius clothes. She absolutely should. But they shouldn't ask what colors to wear and ridiculous things like that.
Anonymous
I will try and address all your excellent points. First- I said I am only talking about women because I don't care what guys do because I am not dating guys. I have and will continue to admit that guys do this just as much as girls. It might not be all girls or even most. I am talking about my experiences. Many people have told me that they had similar feelings. I said that I do not have statistics. Just personal experiences. I addressed the deep thoughts comment in my response to DanBuk. Second- There is no gray. Things are truth or lies. My Rebbe gave a great vort on the sin of the Eitz Hadaas. I believe it is the Ramabam that says it. How could Adam and Eve benefit from doing a sin? Did they get a super knowledge? The answer is that they actually went a step down. They went from Emes and Sheker to Tov and Raah. Tov and Raah is subjective. What is bad and what is good depends on society. Lies and Truth are absolute. They never change. That is what we need to work towards and not say something is gray. Third- I will be the first to admit that I am inconsistent. I know everyone is inconsistent. It is just a question of if a person will admit it or not. Or will they pretend like everything they do is perfect. Why should it be embarrassing to admit your not perfect. No one is, everyone is inconsistent so it is not like they are admitting something that they will be ridiculed for. You are correct about the labels. There are only a certain number of words and labels get put on and it is very hard to take them off. Fourth- Growth is a process, but people need to be open to change in order to change. Pretending they are doing the right thing won't help them change. Fifth- I can't know what everyone's life situation is. It should not be used as an excuse though. We all have garbage in our lives to deal with. We can all pretend like we don't, but we all do. Excellent points you made.
Atara
I like to listen to lyrics of songs. There are a lot of songs that have so much truth to them. That song hit my point on the spot.
E Winkler
I am not saying people don't have stuff to deal with. My problem is with people who pretend that they don't have stuff to deal with and ignore it and think that putting on a show in public will get rid of those problems.
I want to thank everyone for their comments, I honestly do appreciate them. Please respond to my comments. If you have any ideas for another post please let me know.